How can everyone be happy?

large-18How can everyone be happy? Do they not know about hell and all the bad things. Is it just me who is like this? My body begs me to get some help but my brain rejects all the time. That I can do this all alone. I just can’t think straight anymore, I can’t have those happy thoughts I had before. Every single part of me is getting weaker as the days pasts. There are so many things that no one knows about me. I have never told my story to anyone, like it is. I have always closed some doors, I can’t get in detail of everything. One person gets to know a lot of me, but there is also a lot that she doesn’t know.

I can’t remember the last day I was happy anymore. I know that I can be happy everyday and just close everything with the depression. But every time I get alone it will start again. My mind starts getting deeper and deeper. And the only thing that can keep me out of it is my cat at night. When she lays on my stomach and just fell asleep. I have seen that my cat has been knowing how I am right now. Cause she is following me all the time just like when she was little. She is kind of my therapy that I can feel safe and I have someone that loves me. And we can just lay down and keep the silence for a long time.large-19

My life haven’t been like I can remember at all when everything was good. Because now the only thing I can remember is bad memories. I can remember that I felt lonely when I was younger. Cause I had no one home, cause I don’t have a sister or brother. I can remember that I sat on the floor and just looked at the wall in front of me. I got very easily angry and could scream and just run away from home for a few hours. I didn’t care about my family. I got spoiled because if I didn’t get what I want then I was angry for the rest of the day. I can remember that I pushed my mom in the bathtub. All the screams and argument we had. That my parents didn’t like me with my friends. Cause they think that one person changed me.

And that’s just few of them. So I can’t imagine be happy anymore, cause there is a lot in my mind and I can’t just get rid of it either. But the only thing I wish is that I could have some positive memories that can give me hope. Hope to live and try to get better.

I want to believe that everything can be better!

Is this my last chapter?

My emotions, feelings, mind, body and of course my life has completely changed the past two months. I’ve started to get back to the start of the hell of my life. The time when my mom told me that she was sick. That it was depression. That my grandpa had died. That the only thing I had in my life passed away. It has slowly gone worser and worser each month. But in August 2014 everything changed. Cause I was done with school for now and started working at a hospital. And I had motivation to everything and was happy about life. I wanted to a lot of things and started planning things. I was dreaming about everything, like traveling, parties, hanging out with friends and family. Find myself and actually be myself and show it for everyone, cause i’m a shy person. large-15 I’m not the person who starts a conversation. It takes a long time before I will feel confident to speak in front of my family. But now it’s like i’m just listening to what they say. Until they asks me questions about stuff. But then I really don’t want to answer them. Cause i’m getting nervous, sheepish. And I think that I got very anxious to. But I have never thought about that before. I can tell you that my life is not perfect at all, but I know that i’m not the only one.

I have a best friend who suffered just like me. But she is kind of lost and can’t get through it kind of. I am a person who just think that I can hide it for a little while and deal with it later. But I think that is the wrong thing about me. My thoughts have changed a lot the past years. And my voice in the head is getting more and more silent as a newer voices starts. And just ruin everything.

So now I have been sick for almost 2 and a half month. And I haven’t worked at all. large-16My energy is slowly getting lower as everyday is passing. My thoughts gets deeper and deeper. I’m at the point where I don’t remember who I am or what I want. I have struggled with remember things for the past few days. I have lost I think around 10kg. I’m not eating that much anymore. I can’t deal to go and visit people cause I get tired so quick. And of course they are just asking about everything. Right now I just want to stay in bed and just let it be dark for days and just relax and have my mac on the side. Watch a lot of series and movies, listen to music. And just close everything that is social. I just want to be alone. And I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with life. I can’t dream about the future anymore. Cause I think it is so many days, weeks, months. I feel like i’m only living in the past right now.

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My plan for this year was to get out of this depression and start my life for real. But it got much worse then I thought. I couldn’t think that it would be this bad. And just so short time. And I think that i’m so stupid that can’t be strong enough to tell my doctor and ask for help. Maybe in two weeks who knows. But I know that I can’t do it right now. And it worries me that the doctor told me that I have to go to now. Cause I know so badly that it will get worser each day that pasts. I can’t handle a normal life anymore. I just need to get out if this!

Lavt stoffskifte

Hva er hypotyreose?

Hypotyreose er en tilstand med nedsatt stoffskifte som følge av nedsatt utskillelse og nedsatt mengde i blodet av stoffskiftehormonene fra skjoldkjertelen.

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I tidlig fase kan hypotyreose være uten symptomer, og utviklingen kan være langsom og nesten umerkelig. Etter hvert blir imidlertid symptomene tydeligere. Symptomer kommer fra ulike organer i kroppen, og sykdommen presenterer seg derfor med et betydelig mangfold av ulike symptomer.

Påvirkning av mentale funksjoner kan gi depresjon, tiltaksløshet, hukommelsessvikt, demens, treghet, økt søvnbehov. Symptomer fra muskler og skjelett kan være muskelsmerter, leddsmerter, hovne ledd. Huden kan bli tørr og kjølig, neglene sprø og tynne. Forandringer av hormonbalansen kan gi uregelmessige og kraftige menstruasjoner, sjeldnere sparsom blødning. Fra nervesystemet kan forandringene føre til sykdom i nerver, trykk på nerver, prikkinger i huden, svimmelhet. I øre- og halsområdet kan det oppstå stemmeforandringer, heshet, svimmelhet,øresus. Nedsatt stoffskifte i fordøyelseskanalen kan gi appetittløshet og forstoppelse. I blodet kan det oppstå lav blodprosent og endret blodplatefunksjon med tregere blodlevring.

Fullt utviklet preges sykdomsbildet av tiltaksløshet, treghet i bevegelser, manglende toleranse for kulde (fryser lett), muskelsmerter, leddsmerter, økt søvnbehov, vektøkning (sjelden mer enn 2-3 kg), forstoppelse, svimmelhet, prikkinger i huden (særlig i hender), menstruasjonsforstyrrelse, håravfall, hes stemme.

Den samlede forekomsten av hypotyreose i den voksne befolkningen er ca. 3%. I helseundersøkelsen i Nord-Trøndelag (HUNT) fant man at 4,8% av kvinnene og 0,9% av mennene fikk behandling for hypotyreose. parisForekomsten er høyere jo eldre man blir.

Medfødt hypotyreose forekommer hos 1 per 4000 nyfødte i områder med tilstrekkelig jodtilførsel. I den vestlige verden screenes det for denne tilstanden i en blodprøve som tas like etter fødselen. Ubehandlet fører hypotyreose til alvorlig utviklingshemning, men med behandling er leveutsiktene helt normale.

Årsaker

 Vanligvis skyldes hypotyreose svikt i skjoldkjertelen (thyreoidea). De vanligste årsakene er gjennomgått betennelse i skjoldkjertelen (autoimmun betennelse, tyreoiditt), behandling av for høyt stoffskifte (hypertyreose) med radioaktivt jod, eller operasjon på skjoldkjertelen. Andre årsaker er behandling med visse medikamenter og strålebehandling i området nær halsen.

 Sjeldnere skyldes hypotyreose svikt i hypofysen, det overordnede hormonsenteret i hjernen.Enkelte tilstander øker risikoen for å utvikle hypotyreose. Det gjelder Downs syndrom, sykdommer hvor kroppen angriper eget immunforsvar (autoimmune sykdommer), sukkersyke, leddgikt, cøliaki. Hypotyreose kan oppstå noen måneder etter svangerskap. Dette er en variant som oftest går tilbake av seg selv.

Prognose

Prognosen ved behandling er god, og leveutsiktene er de samme som for friske personer. Hos de fleste er det enkelt å finne rett dose, og pasientene føler seg friske. Hos noen kan imidlertid reguleringen være mer krevende, og det kan være behov for doseendringer underveis.

Tanker

Er det normalt å glemme alt om barndommen?

Det er ikke sånn at jeg har mistet alt, men jeg kan ikke huske mange positive øyeblikker/minner i fra mitt yngre liv. Det meste er bare negativt. Er dette normalt når du er deprimert? Eller er dette bare meg som har flere ting som feiler?
Jeg har ingen å snakke med lenger. Det finnes ikke noe trygghet noen plass. Bortsettfra der sengen min ligger i mørket, der varmen bare venter på meg. Jeg er trøtt og jeg er sliten, men hva er vitsen i å sove når du bare våkner enda trøttere?
Jeg har prøvd å få kontakt med en venninne nå for 15 minutter siden. Får ikke svar. Orker hun ikke å se på det? Er hun sint på meg eller lei av alt maset mitt? Jeg ville bare si hva mine tanker var. Skulle jeg kanskje ikke ha gjort det? Å vist min bekymring? Å vise at jeg virkelig bryr meg om henne?
Jeg har blitt syk, men det er ikke alt. Legen tror at det bare er en sykdom, men for å være helt ærlig så er det mye mer enn bare en sykdom. Jeg sliter psykisk. Jeg er deprimert. Jeg vil ikke ta dette opp. Jeg skulle ønske at hun kunne ha sett det å bare hjulpet meg. Men jeg har ikke lyst til å ta intiativ. Hvertfall ikke helt enda. Jeg er ikke sterk nok til å takle dette, men når blir jeg det?
Legen vil at jeg skal jobbe etter sykemeldingen. Mens jeg bare har lyst til å slutte å gi opp alt som inneholder jobb og skole. Jeg trenger en pause for å finne ut hvem er JEG? Hva vil jeg? For det vet jeg ikke lenger. Jeg har en hjerne som er helt tom når jeg skal prøve å ta beslutninger å tenke.
De eneste tankene jeg kan få fram er deprimerende tanker, negative ting og min egen drømmeverden. Så det jeg lurer egentlig på er hvor er jeg?