How can everyone be happy? Do they not know about hell and all the bad things. Is it just me who is like this? My body begs me to get some help but my brain rejects all the time. That I can do this all alone. I just can’t think straight anymore, I can’t have those happy thoughts I had before. Every single part of me is getting weaker as the days pasts. There are so many things that no one knows about me. I have never told my story to anyone, like it is. I have always closed some doors, I can’t get in detail of everything. One person gets to know a lot of me, but there is also a lot that she doesn’t know.
I can’t remember the last day I was happy anymore. I know that I can be happy everyday and just close everything with the depression. But every time I get alone it will start again. My mind starts getting deeper and deeper. And the only thing that can keep me out of it is my cat at night. When she lays on my stomach and just fell asleep. I have seen that my cat has been knowing how I am right now. Cause she is following me all the time just like when she was little. She is kind of my therapy that I can feel safe and I have someone that loves me. And we can just lay down and keep the silence for a long time.
My life haven’t been like I can remember at all when everything was good. Because now the only thing I can remember is bad memories. I can remember that I felt lonely when I was younger. Cause I had no one home, cause I don’t have a sister or brother. I can remember that I sat on the floor and just looked at the wall in front of me. I got very easily angry and could scream and just run away from home for a few hours. I didn’t care about my family. I got spoiled because if I didn’t get what I want then I was angry for the rest of the day. I can remember that I pushed my mom in the bathtub. All the screams and argument we had. That my parents didn’t like me with my friends. Cause they think that one person changed me.
And that’s just few of them. So I can’t imagine be happy anymore, cause there is a lot in my mind and I can’t just get rid of it either. But the only thing I wish is that I could have some positive memories that can give me hope. Hope to live and try to get better.
I want to believe that everything can be better!