2015 -Part one

If I had to describe year 2015 with one word, then I would say that 2015 has been challenging. It has been one of my worst, but also one of the best year of my life. The first half of the year has been so hard and depressing, but the last half of the year has been so amazing and changed everything. This post will be in two or three parts.

12511889_10206574734465607_1150823294_nThere isn’t much that I remember from the first months of 2015. It has been one of the hardest time of my life where I really would hope that it was only an nightmare. I got sick in December and isolated myself in my bedroom. I got sicker and sicker every week that passed. There was a big part of me that didn’t want to continue to live. I felt that all the negative just streamed around in my body and just got bigger and bigger. My thoughts weren’t one the positive side, depression got me. Depression was the one who decided on what I should do. I wasn’t capable to take care of my own life and I was good enough to see it for myself.

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I went to my doctor and had an breakdown and told the final truth of everyhting. There have been many nights were I have been thinking about what if I didn’t seek for help? Would I still live? I still think of this, cause it was so close to just take over me. That I would take my own life, but what did change? I got help and found out that it was just me who did something wrong. I was always looking back for the bad memories and taking myself just more down. It opened my eyes, cause I couldn’t see that I did that so much. It was normal to me to do that, to not live for the future. I couldn’t imagine how my life would be later. I didn’t have dreams for the future, I just wanted to take back all the bad memories and change everything to a better choice.

I should have hoped that I could go back and tell myself that before everything started, that everything will be alright. That I just have to believe in my dreams and dream of the future. It is something that I would have wished that everyone who wants to relive their life to know. You can’t do that even how much you want to. It is hard to close those memories that is so hurtful, but that is the best thing for yourself if not you will lose yourself just like I did. I will never be the same anymore, one of my biggest problems are that I don’t know who I am and that is something no one deserve!

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