Bad feeling

I have had a bad feeling all day. I didn’t know if it was that I slept too long or too short, low energy or if it could be my emotions. I just woke up and knew that today it is gonna be horrible, but I didn’t know what would come.

I was in class and just felt confused and empty. Just couldn’t focus on what the teacher said, I was just lost in my own thoughts. I knew that something was wrong. I could feel some sort of pain that I didn’t had control over. Then after few minutes a friend of me tries to call me, but I couldn’t answer it. I knew then, it was something important. When someone calls me, then something has happened.

I had only twenty minutes left of the class and I decided to check the news. There I see a familiar car and a tittle “19 year old critical hurt in a car crash”. Just when I read that I knew that this was it. This is why I had this bad feeling all day. My mind just went numb and my heart broke. I just can’t believe it!

So today has been challenging and terrible. I just hate this day. I know there is nothing that I can do with it then support my friend and pray that she will be ok…

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Still not healed

When was the last time I saw your beautiful smile? Laughter? having a conversation?       My heart is still not healed, there are many pieces that are broken. There’s pain, emptiness, anger and grief. There are so much I would do to just have one more day even hour, too see you and hear your beautiful voice. But in the reality it’s not possible..

Two years has passed. It feels like it was yesterday you died, and several years since I saw you. I can’t belive that it has only been two years, but I can remember how many breakdowns I have had since then. My life has since then stopped, but with every month that has passed I see that it is possible, to live life without you. It’s not gonna be easy, cause you were a big part of my life. I will also have these breakdowns, where the grief takes over me. Everything goes black, the only thing I can think about then is you!

730.484398 days, 63 113 851.9 seconds. That’s is how long my heart have been broken since my grandmother died, it have been really hard to accept it and I don’t know when I truly will be able to do it. But I know that this was your wish and you were done. You had your dreams, and know your dream was to meet your husband again. I’m happy for that, you don’t have to suffer anymore with your illness. But still my heart is still not healed.

Wrong turn

What’s the meaning of life? Do we have goals or missions, that we have to finish until we get our happiness, and really understands what’s the meaning of life. How can we, us humans know that we are on the right track on our purpose?

We are currently 7,4 billion people and already 11,3 million deaths. How can we know that they had happiness or their biggest goal fulfilled? There are so much we can do with our life, that it’s almost impossible to know your life changing goal. I am one of those who doesn’t have a clue on what my purpose is. I thought I knew it, but everything changed in a second.

I can’t imagine to fulfill my dream, my dream has gone dark. Everytime I think about it, I starts to feel cold, sense the negative feeling I got that changed my mind. I was young, and started to think about what would I love to have as a job. I wanted it to be a job that I would love everyday, one you can’t get bored off. I wanted to show my good side and that was to help people. I have always cared about people or animal, no matter how they look or language. I want to understand and help. I knew already in 8th grade, that my purpose was to be a nurse. I got my mind set to it and I was dedicated. I put everything else away, cause I had to follow it, I knew that was the right thing to do.

But after school I started to work at a hospital, and it was amazing in the beginning. But each day that went away, I lost myself more. I wanted to be the best one, and with that I largehad to work hard. And with that cost I got myself sick. I was home for three months before they could figure out what my problem was, and I had a long way after that.

I know today, that my way back then was wrong. I destroyed my young dream and now I can’t think about being a nurse. It gives me so much pain and I really hate the idea. But I am not perfect and that’s okay. Maybe it wasn’t my purpose at all, but right then it felt right? But I have learned from it and it can only make me stronger. I hope that I will find my purpose soon, cause right know I feel empty and can’t figure out myself and on what’s the meaning of life.