Thoughts

January 6, 2017

After the depression was taking over my life, but I was starting to get better. Then came the next difficult part of my life, when my grand ma was at the hospital. The period from late February and until May is something that is still unanswered. I have no clue on anything, only that my grandma passed away. The thing is that I feel kinda of guilty cause I feel that I could have done something.

I wrote about this earlier so I will not get it into details again. But if you think about the first months of 2015 where I just stayed in bed and wanted to find out what was wrong with me. I was went down many stairs then, but when my grandma died. That is one thing that I will never forget.

This grief that I have after this is the worst feeling that I have had. The grief after someone who would have seen me and also the grief of losing someone was sad. I can still feel the loneliness I had. I felt that I wasn’t there, that I was not worthy at all of the family. I felt jealousy that angered inside me, I was so angry at my family and wanted to cut the contact with them. The only thing that I wanted at that time was to change her place and let her live. Then my family probably would be happy and they would have seen me. But then it would be to late.

The grief that I have had was very deep, it took me away from life. I feel that around all this things I was in another world. A world that I created where everything was completely fine. I think it was then I really lost myself. Every person I believed in was gone, persons that I could rely on and really show my feelings for. They would have seen me for who I am.

But I will say know that it is much better. There are moments where I will have a breakdown and just cry for a few hours. I know that this feelings I had then was wrong. My family was there for me all the time, but I couldn’t see it. I had just found at that I had hypotyreose and depressed, and when this also came then everything went black. I was there, but still I wasn’t there cause I created this fence where everything was perfect. I wasn’t ready to face reality of that she had passed away.

I need my time to grief and hopefully one day I would really appreciate our time together. I don’t want to feel this guilt of everything that I could change. But that is something that I have to work for to change my mind on that. To realize that I can’t change anything now.

 

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