Can’t let go

“Feelings don’t try to kill you, even the painful ones. Anxiety is a feeling grown too large. A feeling grown aggressive and dangerous. You’re responsible for its consequences, you’re responsible for treating it. But Michael, you’re not responsible for causing it. You’re not morally at fault for it. No more than you would be for a tumour.”

I have never understood that I have anxiety. I have always thought that it was just things that I have been worrying about, but it would go away in the end. But the things I have been worrying about has been building up more and more, and definitely haven’t gone away as I thought it would.

I am an person who worries a lot and can easily stress about the smallest thing. But I’m good at hiding it, people have trouble to see it. And that could be one of the biggest problems, cause then I won’t tell anyone about the things I’m worrying about.

What I’m worried about:

  • To lose hope
  • Depression/grieving will get worse
  • Someone near me dies
  • Fail as an person
  • Let go of my loved ones who has passed away

I want to control it but my won’t allow it. I always have to worry and also have control over everything before I do things. I can’t stop worrying, because if I do that then there would be nothing for me to do. I’m afraid that if I let it go that I would realize that someone is gone and there is nothing that I can do about it. But I’m not ready for that, because of guilt and grief.

 

Pause the time

I’ve had enough, really enough of this life. Why should I do something I do not feel for anymore, I have no feelings or goals for the future. Everything is dark ..

I have tried to put away those thoughts for a while now, but when the results do not show anything positive, why should I continue?

I’m tired, incredibly tired. I doesn’t do much, but my body and mind is tired of all my thoughts about everything and worrying. It has been an heavy year so far, I haven’t  known it purely mentally that I am depressed, but I have felt it. I really do not know what to do. Why do I mess with myself with studying, when I don’t even know what I want? I can not focus or get good grades.

I do not understand what I want more and I do not know how long I can feel like that.I really want to get things done and move on and find my happiness. But to get it done, I have to fix my mental health. I have to learn to gain control over my mind, because right now they are just eating me up. I’ve made an evil circle that just takes over me more and more, the longer I’m in it, the harder it will be to get out of it. But I do not know what can help me out of it right now.

If I could only have found the solution and just get away. Get me far away from the country, start all over and put all the wounds behind me. I do not manage the memories here, it really hurts.
People get over things, but I’m one of the few who still get stuck and get lost. Where there are just more and more bad memories and mistakes, guilt will never go away.

The Bible says that all people are worth something, but why do I feel so worthless. There are so many others who should have had their chance to live, I could easily take their fate. It’s heavy, very heavy to live with all my thoughts. I just want them to go away so I can get a new view of life.

When it doesn’t go as planned

Many people have as their big wish for the year, that everything will be good. But what about us who doesn’t have that?

One wish we all humans want is an happy and secure year. We want to feel safe, but also be creative and explore life. We want to create great memories that will be better then the last one. We want to think on the 31th December “Wow! What a great year” and set our new wishes for the next year.

My wish for this years was just like that, and I can right now say that it won’t end up like that. So far this year there have been a lot of challenges, unexpected things have happened and deaths. And this isn’t the first time it happens with me, it have been like this almost every year since 2010. When will it be my turn to be happy and think that this was a good year?

This year there have been extremely difficult things that have happened and I have been thinking a lot lately. I have experienced that one of my closest friends almost died in an car crash, great grandma have been in and out of the hospital and in easter one family friend died.

I have learned a lot from my feelings, but there is also a big emptiness inside me. I can’t understand how I have been able to hide my feelings this past months, or people hasn’t noticed at all. Every deaths, grows on me. I really can’t handle it and accept the loss, but also go thru grief. How can I go thru another grief process when I’m not done with the one who has been stuck for two years? How can I manage to get that away, when it is so strong?