Pause the time

I’ve had enough, really enough of this life. Why should I do something I do not feel for anymore, I have no feelings or goals for the future. Everything is dark ..

I have tried to put away those thoughts for a while now, but when the results do not show anything positive, why should I continue?

I’m tired, incredibly tired. I doesn’t do much, but my body and mind is tired of all my thoughts about everything and worrying. It has been an heavy year so far, I haven’t  known it purely mentally that I am depressed, but I have felt it. I really do not know what to do. Why do I mess with myself with studying, when I don’t even know what I want? I can not focus or get good grades.

I do not understand what I want more and I do not know how long I can feel like that.I really want to get things done and move on and find my happiness. But to get it done, I have to fix my mental health. I have to learn to gain control over my mind, because right now they are just eating me up. I’ve made an evil circle that just takes over me more and more, the longer I’m in it, the harder it will be to get out of it. But I do not know what can help me out of it right now.

If I could only have found the solution and just get away. Get me far away from the country, start all over and put all the wounds behind me. I do not manage the memories here, it really hurts.
People get over things, but I’m one of the few who still get stuck and get lost. Where there are just more and more bad memories and mistakes, guilt will never go away.

The Bible says that all people are worth something, but why do I feel so worthless. There are so many others who should have had their chance to live, I could easily take their fate. It’s heavy, very heavy to live with all my thoughts. I just want them to go away so I can get a new view of life.

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