How is it to have hypothyroidism?

Having hypothyroidism or low metabolism can be easy to live with, but when the symptoms are there and that the disease is quite new, there are challenges.
I received hypothyroidism in 2013, which means I was quite young compared to what is normal. On average, people get the disease at around 40 years of age, and most women.
Everyone experiences it differently, but there are many symptoms with this disease.
symptoms
* Lack of energy, fatigue
* Hoarseness
* Weight gain
* Dry hair, dry skin, crispy nails
* Unemployed, depressed, discouraged
* Sensible, easy-touched
* Constipation
* Muscle and joint pain
* Sleep problems
* Freezes easily
* Sensitivity to sound, light, noise
* Problems with concentration and memory

What is important is to find the balance of the medication in order to get rid of the symptoms or improve the quality of life. It is also important to check the values ​​often by taking blood samples to make sure that the values ​​are high or low. This is because this disease is because I have a chronic infection of the thyroid gland, which means that if the doctor finds that I need to increase the dose of medicine, it may mean that the medicine does not have enough effect and the infection begins to destroy thyroid.

Now I have had the disease for almost 4 years and still have a long way to go. There are always some new symptoms that comes and goes, but I also need to increase the dose approximately once a year. It can be hard to get the disease in balance, it is known that it may take many years before everything is normal.

It has been a long challenge that I do not have enough energy. That I can do things for about 2 hours before I have to have a long break because I get quickly exhausted. I have not managed to have enough energy to exercise out before last autumn, where I exercise 3 days a week. I even had to get exemption from gymnastics at school because I had so many symptoms of being active.

 

Another challenge has been that I can quickly get depressed, as you can see through this page that it has been the main focus ever since. I have become very sensitive and my mood can very quickly turn to be depressed. But when I’m doing well, I can do it very well. Now I would like to say that with emotions it is my hardest challenges because I can quickly get depressed and just give up. I can quickly shut me in and stay there for a while because I can not handle the situation among people. But that’s when it’s good to have this page. But also having lack of energy and fatigue has started to get worse again, where I have to take long breaks and maybe sleep a little in the middle of the day to recharge. (But I received a message from the previous blood test that I had to increase the dose).

The main point of hypothyroidism is that you must have patience, regardless of whether you are, or are relatives. I can see for myself that relatives can think it’s hard for things to happen as fast as it happens. It is that you have to be good at telling the doctor about symptoms and having a good routine of taking blood samples, and then it will get better. The disadvantage of this disease is the risk of having other chronic diseases such as diabetes, arthritis and rheumatism, but also others. This is a disease that I will have for the rest of my life, and that means I just have to accept it. But do not take it too seriously, get to know your body and feel when I have to pull back a little to relax. But also do the usual activities that I did before I got sick.

I’m back!

Hi guys!

 

I just wanted to say I’ve taken a break since June, because I had to get control of all feelings, but also the body. It has been difficult time from Mai and beyond, but this will probably be a post of eventually. But as I said, I’m back and have planned a little, I will be going out once a week, which will say every Friday. There will still be posts about feelings and challenges yet, because that’s what I started with here. But it has also been important for me to make it clear that you can talk about it. It will also come a little bit different about my life, being a student and maybe dreaming for the future.

So just keep reading and in a week there will be a new post.
Thank you for reading, it means so much to me!

Frustrated student

Soon my first year of being a student is over, and believe me I’m looking forward to it. It has been a fun and educational year, where I have met some amazing people, whom I can proudly call friends. I thought it would be easy to be a student. That it would be like high school, but I was wrong.
I know today that I had too much hopes and goals. It’s a lot of positive with being a student, but right now I just feel the negative.

I have been struggling for many years to concentrate on school work. The reason for this is because I do not have enough motivation to work with things for several hours. I can manage to have a good routine for about 1 month, but then I will get out of the routine. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I’ve got an explanation of why it’s just happening to me.

After I was told that I had hypothyroidism, many things fell into place. I get tired quickly, difficulty concentrating, difficulty hanging in conversations and at least learning. I can read half a page and I don’t remember what I read. These are typical symptoms with hypothyroidism. It’s not that I’m looking for attention and want people to see me, but this annoys me. Why should I have trouble learning, a person will be able to learn something after reading a page while I have to read it several times to learn a little bit of that page.

It’s tiring because I know that I spend a lot more effort learning things than anyone else does, but it’s not easy for everyone. I know that there are many who are struggling, with or without a cause. Especially now as it is an exam period, I have the frustration. I’m struggling to do something, but I have to make an effort because it’s after all the exam.

But how can I cope? What I’ve learned during this year is that I’m tiring myself out. I’m just destroying myself. This year has caused me problems with sleep, fatigue, stress, depressive thoughts and anxiety. Only thing I’m wondering now is how can I have it like this for 2 more years, when I do not even get good grades, I know I’m far below average on knowledge. Why should I care to spend more energy destroying myself even more?

Can’t let go

“Feelings don’t try to kill you, even the painful ones. Anxiety is a feeling grown too large. A feeling grown aggressive and dangerous. You’re responsible for its consequences, you’re responsible for treating it. But Michael, you’re not responsible for causing it. You’re not morally at fault for it. No more than you would be for a tumour.”

I have never understood that I have anxiety. I have always thought that it was just things that I have been worrying about, but it would go away in the end. But the things I have been worrying about has been building up more and more, and definitely haven’t gone away as I thought it would.

I am an person who worries a lot and can easily stress about the smallest thing. But I’m good at hiding it, people have trouble to see it. And that could be one of the biggest problems, cause then I won’t tell anyone about the things I’m worrying about.

What I’m worried about:

  • To lose hope
  • Depression/grieving will get worse
  • Someone near me dies
  • Fail as an person
  • Let go of my loved ones who has passed away

I want to control it but my won’t allow it. I always have to worry and also have control over everything before I do things. I can’t stop worrying, because if I do that then there would be nothing for me to do. I’m afraid that if I let it go that I would realize that someone is gone and there is nothing that I can do about it. But I’m not ready for that, because of guilt and grief.

 

Pause the time

I’ve had enough, really enough of this life. Why should I do something I do not feel for anymore, I have no feelings or goals for the future. Everything is dark ..

I have tried to put away those thoughts for a while now, but when the results do not show anything positive, why should I continue?

I’m tired, incredibly tired. I doesn’t do much, but my body and mind is tired of all my thoughts about everything and worrying. It has been an heavy year so far, I haven’t  known it purely mentally that I am depressed, but I have felt it. I really do not know what to do. Why do I mess with myself with studying, when I don’t even know what I want? I can not focus or get good grades.

I do not understand what I want more and I do not know how long I can feel like that.I really want to get things done and move on and find my happiness. But to get it done, I have to fix my mental health. I have to learn to gain control over my mind, because right now they are just eating me up. I’ve made an evil circle that just takes over me more and more, the longer I’m in it, the harder it will be to get out of it. But I do not know what can help me out of it right now.

If I could only have found the solution and just get away. Get me far away from the country, start all over and put all the wounds behind me. I do not manage the memories here, it really hurts.
People get over things, but I’m one of the few who still get stuck and get lost. Where there are just more and more bad memories and mistakes, guilt will never go away.

The Bible says that all people are worth something, but why do I feel so worthless. There are so many others who should have had their chance to live, I could easily take their fate. It’s heavy, very heavy to live with all my thoughts. I just want them to go away so I can get a new view of life.

When it doesn’t go as planned

Many people have as their big wish for the year, that everything will be good. But what about us who doesn’t have that?

One wish we all humans want is an happy and secure year. We want to feel safe, but also be creative and explore life. We want to create great memories that will be better then the last one. We want to think on the 31th December “Wow! What a great year” and set our new wishes for the next year.

My wish for this years was just like that, and I can right now say that it won’t end up like that. So far this year there have been a lot of challenges, unexpected things have happened and deaths. And this isn’t the first time it happens with me, it have been like this almost every year since 2010. When will it be my turn to be happy and think that this was a good year?

This year there have been extremely difficult things that have happened and I have been thinking a lot lately. I have experienced that one of my closest friends almost died in an car crash, great grandma have been in and out of the hospital and in easter one family friend died.

I have learned a lot from my feelings, but there is also a big emptiness inside me. I can’t understand how I have been able to hide my feelings this past months, or people hasn’t noticed at all. Every deaths, grows on me. I really can’t handle it and accept the loss, but also go thru grief. How can I go thru another grief process when I’m not done with the one who has been stuck for two years? How can I manage to get that away, when it is so strong?

Addicted

Why is my phone so important? Why is it comforting me and I feel so safe? I’m so addicted to it that I can check the same thing several times in a few minutes. I can’t go without it, I don’t have control then. It feels like a part of me isn’t there if I’m don’t have my phone with me. And I hate it.

I would love to be able to leave it for hours and not worrying about checking out Instagram, Facebook, snapchat or text messages. I know that it will always be there when I come back, but still it’s not possible anyway. I have everything on this phone and I need the control over it. But I would also want to go out and explore and not be focused on my phone all the time.I want to go and meet my friends, and we would put it away and just enjoy the moment and make memories. There is so much we could do if it wasn’t for our phones these days.

My daily routine is reg­u­lated by my cell phone. I wake up be­cause of the alarm of my cell phone. … Without my phone, my life would be a wreck. … Ima­gine if I didn’t have my phone: My life would fall apart com­pletely. I ser­i­ously need my phone. It helps me and my friends and fam­ily func­tion in my life prop­erly.

It’s my safety, but it also gives me anxiety. I think so much about what I could do, but it never happens. I want to change that, I will do it. I’m gonna start to put it away more and live more, go for a walk without it and feel the warmth and listen to the singing birds. I want to control myself, and not my phone.

Thoughts

January 6, 2017

After the depression was taking over my life, but I was starting to get better. Then came the next difficult part of my life, when my grand ma was at the hospital. The period from late February and until May is something that is still unanswered. I have no clue on anything, only that my grandma passed away. The thing is that I feel kinda of guilty cause I feel that I could have done something.

I wrote about this earlier so I will not get it into details again. But if you think about the first months of 2015 where I just stayed in bed and wanted to find out what was wrong with me. I was went down many stairs then, but when my grandma died. That is one thing that I will never forget.

This grief that I have after this is the worst feeling that I have had. The grief after someone who would have seen me and also the grief of losing someone was sad. I can still feel the loneliness I had. I felt that I wasn’t there, that I was not worthy at all of the family. I felt jealousy that angered inside me, I was so angry at my family and wanted to cut the contact with them. The only thing that I wanted at that time was to change her place and let her live. Then my family probably would be happy and they would have seen me. But then it would be to late.

The grief that I have had was very deep, it took me away from life. I feel that around all this things I was in another world. A world that I created where everything was completely fine. I think it was then I really lost myself. Every person I believed in was gone, persons that I could rely on and really show my feelings for. They would have seen me for who I am.

But I will say know that it is much better. There are moments where I will have a breakdown and just cry for a few hours. I know that this feelings I had then was wrong. My family was there for me all the time, but I couldn’t see it. I had just found at that I had hypotyreose and depressed, and when this also came then everything went black. I was there, but still I wasn’t there cause I created this fence where everything was perfect. I wasn’t ready to face reality of that she had passed away.

I need my time to grief and hopefully one day I would really appreciate our time together. I don’t want to feel this guilt of everything that I could change. But that is something that I have to work for to change my mind on that. To realize that I can’t change anything now.

 

Bad feeling

I have had a bad feeling all day. I didn’t know if it was that I slept too long or too short, low energy or if it could be my emotions. I just woke up and knew that today it is gonna be horrible, but I didn’t know what would come.

I was in class and just felt confused and empty. Just couldn’t focus on what the teacher said, I was just lost in my own thoughts. I knew that something was wrong. I could feel some sort of pain that I didn’t had control over. Then after few minutes a friend of me tries to call me, but I couldn’t answer it. I knew then, it was something important. When someone calls me, then something has happened.

I had only twenty minutes left of the class and I decided to check the news. There I see a familiar car and a tittle “19 year old critical hurt in a car crash”. Just when I read that I knew that this was it. This is why I had this bad feeling all day. My mind just went numb and my heart broke. I just can’t believe it!

So today has been challenging and terrible. I just hate this day. I know there is nothing that I can do with it then support my friend and pray that she will be ok…

Still not healed

When was the last time I saw your beautiful smile? Laughter? having a conversation?       My heart is still not healed, there are many pieces that are broken. There’s pain, emptiness, anger and grief. There are so much I would do to just have one more day even hour, too see you and hear your beautiful voice. But in the reality it’s not possible..

Two years has passed. It feels like it was yesterday you died, and several years since I saw you. I can’t belive that it has only been two years, but I can remember how many breakdowns I have had since then. My life has since then stopped, but with every month that has passed I see that it is possible, to live life without you. It’s not gonna be easy, cause you were a big part of my life. I will also have these breakdowns, where the grief takes over me. Everything goes black, the only thing I can think about then is you!

730.484398 days, 63 113 851.9 seconds. That’s is how long my heart have been broken since my grandmother died, it have been really hard to accept it and I don’t know when I truly will be able to do it. But I know that this was your wish and you were done. You had your dreams, and know your dream was to meet your husband again. I’m happy for that, you don’t have to suffer anymore with your illness. But still my heart is still not healed.