Giving up?

I do not understand why it will happen to me? Why am I designated? What have I done to sit with these feelings? I feel both empty, angry, annoyed, confused and bored at the same time. What I can not figure out is whether it may be due to anxiety, depression or sadness. But for each time I get these feelings they only get stronger each time. I have begun to lose control of my own thoughts.

My thoughts have been one of the most important things I’ve had. Being able to dream yourself, but also thinking about things that can be challenging or bad to talk about. I’ve become more of the person who thinks more about himself than being social. It’s as if my thoughts decide on me because it has become a security. How can I control my mind without all the wounds coming back?

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I’m not a perfect person, something that can be seen throughout the blog. In recent years, I have experienced more challenging and evil things than one would normally experience as a teenager / young adult. The constant remembrance of all the evil is tough. It is difficult to maintain normal life to pretend that everything is good. For the inside, I’m completely broken, but nobody understands or sees. But it may be the best, but it means I have to live with these thoughts and have periods where things are difficult and it’s extra hard to have a normal life with good routines for sleep, meals, etc. I can not give up either , And therefore it’s important to have the few things that give me hope.

“Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”

– Harriet Beecher Stowe

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Ten years ago

It’s been ten years since my life got a new enjoyment and it was just a coincidence that it happened. About ten years ago, I met you right outside my house after we finished school and you asked me a very unexpected question, “Is that your cat?”. After that, we have had a very special band, we have found out what is right and when we cross the border. You are one of the few I dare to tell you all about. It is a proof of how much you mean to me. But it’s not our friendship story I would like to tell about …

It’s my best friend’s birthday! She has been 22 years old, but can honestly say she’s closer to 15 years because of all the crazy ideas she’s coming to. But they are the ones I appreciate. Being able to forget all the negative and the world for a few hours and be unstoppable! It’s with you I can finally feel free. You certainly do not know how grateful I am because you are in my life. I can not see how it would be without you, but I know it had been boring!

Congratulations on the day Shoo Shoo! Hope you get an amazing day, no matter if we can not celebrate it together. Also, I hope you get your wishes fulfilled for that, you really deserve it! Love you bestfriend!

Miss my family

Having a family is not always that easy. There may be challenges on the road, but it can also be a lot of pleasure. We have both aunts, uncles, siblings, parents, grandparents and maybe grandparents. But how will jealousy change family dynamics?

My definition of the actual dynamics is that the family is very spread. Where there are few collections with the whole family, and little communication. It’s simply embarrassing to meet them, because I do not know them anymore. When I was younger, I was most time with my father’s side of the family. Because there I had a cousin, but the problem is that I am the youngest, and the second youngest is 6 years older than me. While on my mother’s side, I have no cousin.

My family shows very little emotions and keeps us secret. We do not sit and have cozy family dinners or have any activities with each other. Only communication is happening on my mobile phone’s side. But the biggest problem is that there is a lot of lies in what they say. We hold things for ourselves and do not handle conflicts or difficulties that may occur. What happens to my cousins, I may never know anything about. I can not say I know them because we do not have contact. My family is not perfect at all, but I love them. I’m a family oriented person, but finding the solution to how to fix this I have not. We have become too scattered, after grandmother died there has been little communication. It did not come as a shock, but it’s sad to think because we did things always before and met often. I’m worried that the jealousy in my family will ruin the last string of communication, then it will be goodbye family.

Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don’t wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it’s at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored.

– Earl Nightingale

 

The perfect ideal

Ever since I was little I understood that I did not look quite like others. I’ve always had more fat on my body than the other has had compared to my age. Ever since I was a child, I have seen the perfect body ideality that is in society. I have been dissatisfied with myself for many years, ever since I was a child that I wanted to just die. I have always been very uncomfortable with my body.

I have always wanted to have the perfect body, have a narrow waist, skinny and tight hips, but also the perfect butt. And it will show that I’m active. Ever since I went around 8-9, I have trained for small periods to get the perfect body. The thing was just that I was unable to finish. The problem was that I was too focused on the perfect thing that I pushed myself too hard, which led me to get tired and quit.

Every year after Christmas Eve it’s a big kick to get the perfect summer body. But how are we going to be motivated for 6 months? I can honestly say I can not follow a training plan step by step for many weeks. But I feel more comfortable with my body now than 11 months ago.

I started exercising 11 months ago and I managed to keep a relatively stable exercise plan. But I do not as easily as I did before, for now I am more mentally prepared for it. I can now see it both physically, but also feel mentally stronger. I have gone down 15kg in 6 months and felt that my body was taking more care. I feel more happy and more hopeful for the future.

I still have a long way to go, but right now I feel satisfied with myself. I manage to relax more and take me chocolate without knowing this is wrong. It is, however, the perfect ideal to feel comfortable with yourself, no matter what you look like. I just want to say that “The reason I exercise is for the quality of life I enjoy.”

 

Am I an lazy person?

I’m a person who many may want to know in that I’m a lazy person. I do little of myself, and am sure to do the same every day. As you may understand, my characteristics are lazy, shy, unsocial. I love doing the same every day, because it’s safe and I do not have to challenge myself. But am I a lazy person really?

In many ways, I can say yes, that I am a lazy person. But basically, I’m a pretty adventurous person. I want to explore and be social to be able to create new memories. But there is something that stops me every time and that’s the fear. I’m so afraid to fail and do something wrong that results in my friends not wanting to meet more. I am afraid that if I do too much I will struggle even more. I’m afraid I show that I’m a failed person.

There is so much I’m afraid of, but the fear of bidding more of myself and showing who I am scares me. Many do not know about my difficulties or what challenges I can do to do too much. What I fear that I can make myself sicker than I am. When it comes to depression, I feel very little before I get a new period, with difficult thoughts, where I pull myself more and shut out all the social life I had. But should I be afraid that will happen again?

I should not be afraid to bid more of myself or show who I really are. I should not be afraid to get bad periods, because these are the worries that make it worse. It’s because of these thoughts I’m getting worse and I know yes I’m going to have bad periods, but I have to accept them. It’s just a reaction to that body and mentally that I’m tired. I must be able to accept it, but could also live life because I know I’m not really lazy. It’s just an act!

Expectation for second year

Then I start my second year at college, two out of three years. This winter I’m half finished with the bachelor! I have understood more of being a student and learned from my mistakes. I can not exactly say that the first year has gone painless, because I’ve had challenges throughout the year, but I’m not good either when it’s going to be able to sit down and just learn.

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As you know, I have hypothyroidism, which means that I can not get the results I want in a simple way. I have symptoms where the concentration is easily absent or that I only manage small sessions. I’m really struggling to just start doing a session and stay out for 1 hour. Another symptom I’ve annoyed is that I have not so much memory anymore, as I would have liked. I struggle to remember a few sentences just after I read them. So I do not understand how to learn to learn, because I see no improvement.

But as I said, I’m going to get better and to do that I have to get more organized. I will have small sessions in 1 hour each day, where I work on a subject whether it is what I have reviewed from today’s lecture or whether it is an improvement to tomorrow’s lecture. I will have pennies where all the notes are going into, for more overview of everything. And not least, be better off asking for help. In the first year, I have taken it all too easily thinking that this is easy and thus easy to learn by myself. Thus, I can either ask the lecturer or send mail. As mentioned, they are the ones who have answered and it is the ones who make the exam. It’s not always advisable to look for the answer online and just think that’s the right one. Most often they can overcomplicate the terms and you still remain empty.

Thus I will be more organized, take small sessions every day and ask for help. I hope it can bring me better results than it has done this year. But it’s like being a student, you’re learning on the road and we’re lucky enough to fix those mistakes!

How is it to have hypothyroidism?

Having hypothyroidism or low metabolism can be easy to live with, but when the symptoms are there and that the disease is quite new, there are challenges.
I received hypothyroidism in 2013, which means I was quite young compared to what is normal. On average, people get the disease at around 40 years of age, and most women.
Everyone experiences it differently, but there are many symptoms with this disease.
symptoms
* Lack of energy, fatigue
* Hoarseness
* Weight gain
* Dry hair, dry skin, crispy nails
* Unemployed, depressed, discouraged
* Sensible, easy-touched
* Constipation
* Muscle and joint pain
* Sleep problems
* Freezes easily
* Sensitivity to sound, light, noise
* Problems with concentration and memory

What is important is to find the balance of the medication in order to get rid of the symptoms or improve the quality of life. It is also important to check the values ​​often by taking blood samples to make sure that the values ​​are high or low. This is because this disease is because I have a chronic infection of the thyroid gland, which means that if the doctor finds that I need to increase the dose of medicine, it may mean that the medicine does not have enough effect and the infection begins to destroy thyroid.

Now I have had the disease for almost 4 years and still have a long way to go. There are always some new symptoms that comes and goes, but I also need to increase the dose approximately once a year. It can be hard to get the disease in balance, it is known that it may take many years before everything is normal.

It has been a long challenge that I do not have enough energy. That I can do things for about 2 hours before I have to have a long break because I get quickly exhausted. I have not managed to have enough energy to exercise out before last autumn, where I exercise 3 days a week. I even had to get exemption from gymnastics at school because I had so many symptoms of being active.

 

Another challenge has been that I can quickly get depressed, as you can see through this page that it has been the main focus ever since. I have become very sensitive and my mood can very quickly turn to be depressed. But when I’m doing well, I can do it very well. Now I would like to say that with emotions it is my hardest challenges because I can quickly get depressed and just give up. I can quickly shut me in and stay there for a while because I can not handle the situation among people. But that’s when it’s good to have this page. But also having lack of energy and fatigue has started to get worse again, where I have to take long breaks and maybe sleep a little in the middle of the day to recharge. (But I received a message from the previous blood test that I had to increase the dose).

The main point of hypothyroidism is that you must have patience, regardless of whether you are, or are relatives. I can see for myself that relatives can think it’s hard for things to happen as fast as it happens. It is that you have to be good at telling the doctor about symptoms and having a good routine of taking blood samples, and then it will get better. The disadvantage of this disease is the risk of having other chronic diseases such as diabetes, arthritis and rheumatism, but also others. This is a disease that I will have for the rest of my life, and that means I just have to accept it. But do not take it too seriously, get to know your body and feel when I have to pull back a little to relax. But also do the usual activities that I did before I got sick.

I’m back!

Hi guys!

 

I just wanted to say I’ve taken a break since June, because I had to get control of all feelings, but also the body. It has been difficult time from Mai and beyond, but this will probably be a post of eventually. But as I said, I’m back and have planned a little, I will be going out once a week, which will say every Friday. There will still be posts about feelings and challenges yet, because that’s what I started with here. But it has also been important for me to make it clear that you can talk about it. It will also come a little bit different about my life, being a student and maybe dreaming for the future.

So just keep reading and in a week there will be a new post.
Thank you for reading, it means so much to me!

Frustrated student

Soon my first year of being a student is over, and believe me I’m looking forward to it. It has been a fun and educational year, where I have met some amazing people, whom I can proudly call friends. I thought it would be easy to be a student. That it would be like high school, but I was wrong.
I know today that I had too much hopes and goals. It’s a lot of positive with being a student, but right now I just feel the negative.

I have been struggling for many years to concentrate on school work. The reason for this is because I do not have enough motivation to work with things for several hours. I can manage to have a good routine for about 1 month, but then I will get out of the routine. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I’ve got an explanation of why it’s just happening to me.

After I was told that I had hypothyroidism, many things fell into place. I get tired quickly, difficulty concentrating, difficulty hanging in conversations and at least learning. I can read half a page and I don’t remember what I read. These are typical symptoms with hypothyroidism. It’s not that I’m looking for attention and want people to see me, but this annoys me. Why should I have trouble learning, a person will be able to learn something after reading a page while I have to read it several times to learn a little bit of that page.

It’s tiring because I know that I spend a lot more effort learning things than anyone else does, but it’s not easy for everyone. I know that there are many who are struggling, with or without a cause. Especially now as it is an exam period, I have the frustration. I’m struggling to do something, but I have to make an effort because it’s after all the exam.

But how can I cope? What I’ve learned during this year is that I’m tiring myself out. I’m just destroying myself. This year has caused me problems with sleep, fatigue, stress, depressive thoughts and anxiety. Only thing I’m wondering now is how can I have it like this for 2 more years, when I do not even get good grades, I know I’m far below average on knowledge. Why should I care to spend more energy destroying myself even more?

Can’t let go

“Feelings don’t try to kill you, even the painful ones. Anxiety is a feeling grown too large. A feeling grown aggressive and dangerous. You’re responsible for its consequences, you’re responsible for treating it. But Michael, you’re not responsible for causing it. You’re not morally at fault for it. No more than you would be for a tumour.”

I have never understood that I have anxiety. I have always thought that it was just things that I have been worrying about, but it would go away in the end. But the things I have been worrying about has been building up more and more, and definitely haven’t gone away as I thought it would.

I am an person who worries a lot and can easily stress about the smallest thing. But I’m good at hiding it, people have trouble to see it. And that could be one of the biggest problems, cause then I won’t tell anyone about the things I’m worrying about.

What I’m worried about:

  • To lose hope
  • Depression/grieving will get worse
  • Someone near me dies
  • Fail as an person
  • Let go of my loved ones who has passed away

I want to control it but my won’t allow it. I always have to worry and also have control over everything before I do things. I can’t stop worrying, because if I do that then there would be nothing for me to do. I’m afraid that if I let it go that I would realize that someone is gone and there is nothing that I can do about it. But I’m not ready for that, because of guilt and grief.