Frustrated student

Soon my first year of being a student is over, and believe me I’m looking forward to it. It has been a fun and educational year, where I have met some amazing people, whom I can proudly call friends. I thought it would be easy to be a student. That it would be like high school, but I was wrong.
I know today that I had too much hopes and goals. It’s a lot of positive with being a student, but right now I just feel the negative.

I have been struggling for many years to concentrate on school work. The reason for this is because I do not have enough motivation to work with things for several hours. I can manage to have a good routine for about 1 month, but then I will get out of the routine. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I’ve got an explanation of why it’s just happening to me.

After I was told that I had hypothyroidism, many things fell into place. I get tired quickly, difficulty concentrating, difficulty hanging in conversations and at least learning. I can read half a page and I don’t remember what I read. These are typical symptoms with hypothyroidism. It’s not that I’m looking for attention and want people to see me, but this annoys me. Why should I have trouble learning, a person will be able to learn something after reading a page while I have to read it several times to learn a little bit of that page.

It’s tiring because I know that I spend a lot more effort learning things than anyone else does, but it’s not easy for everyone. I know that there are many who are struggling, with or without a cause. Especially now as it is an exam period, I have the frustration. I’m struggling to do something, but I have to make an effort because it’s after all the exam.

But how can I cope? What I’ve learned during this year is that I’m tiring myself out. I’m just destroying myself. This year has caused me problems with sleep, fatigue, stress, depressive thoughts and anxiety. Only thing I’m wondering now is how can I have it like this for 2 more years, when I do not even get good grades, I know I’m far below average on knowledge. Why should I care to spend more energy destroying myself even more?

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Can’t let go

“Feelings don’t try to kill you, even the painful ones. Anxiety is a feeling grown too large. A feeling grown aggressive and dangerous. You’re responsible for its consequences, you’re responsible for treating it. But Michael, you’re not responsible for causing it. You’re not morally at fault for it. No more than you would be for a tumour.”

I have never understood that I have anxiety. I have always thought that it was just things that I have been worrying about, but it would go away in the end. But the things I have been worrying about has been building up more and more, and definitely haven’t gone away as I thought it would.

I am an person who worries a lot and can easily stress about the smallest thing. But I’m good at hiding it, people have trouble to see it. And that could be one of the biggest problems, cause then I won’t tell anyone about the things I’m worrying about.

What I’m worried about:

  • To lose hope
  • Depression/grieving will get worse
  • Someone near me dies
  • Fail as an person
  • Let go of my loved ones who has passed away

I want to control it but my won’t allow it. I always have to worry and also have control over everything before I do things. I can’t stop worrying, because if I do that then there would be nothing for me to do. I’m afraid that if I let it go that I would realize that someone is gone and there is nothing that I can do about it. But I’m not ready for that, because of guilt and grief.

 

Pause the time

I’ve had enough, really enough of this life. Why should I do something I do not feel for anymore, I have no feelings or goals for the future. Everything is dark ..

I have tried to put away those thoughts for a while now, but when the results do not show anything positive, why should I continue?

I’m tired, incredibly tired. I doesn’t do much, but my body and mind is tired of all my thoughts about everything and worrying. It has been an heavy year so far, I haven’t  known it purely mentally that I am depressed, but I have felt it. I really do not know what to do. Why do I mess with myself with studying, when I don’t even know what I want? I can not focus or get good grades.

I do not understand what I want more and I do not know how long I can feel like that.I really want to get things done and move on and find my happiness. But to get it done, I have to fix my mental health. I have to learn to gain control over my mind, because right now they are just eating me up. I’ve made an evil circle that just takes over me more and more, the longer I’m in it, the harder it will be to get out of it. But I do not know what can help me out of it right now.

If I could only have found the solution and just get away. Get me far away from the country, start all over and put all the wounds behind me. I do not manage the memories here, it really hurts.
People get over things, but I’m one of the few who still get stuck and get lost. Where there are just more and more bad memories and mistakes, guilt will never go away.

The Bible says that all people are worth something, but why do I feel so worthless. There are so many others who should have had their chance to live, I could easily take their fate. It’s heavy, very heavy to live with all my thoughts. I just want them to go away so I can get a new view of life.

When it doesn’t go as planned

Many people have as their big wish for the year, that everything will be good. But what about us who doesn’t have that?

One wish we all humans want is an happy and secure year. We want to feel safe, but also be creative and explore life. We want to create great memories that will be better then the last one. We want to think on the 31th December “Wow! What a great year” and set our new wishes for the next year.

My wish for this years was just like that, and I can right now say that it won’t end up like that. So far this year there have been a lot of challenges, unexpected things have happened and deaths. And this isn’t the first time it happens with me, it have been like this almost every year since 2010. When will it be my turn to be happy and think that this was a good year?

This year there have been extremely difficult things that have happened and I have been thinking a lot lately. I have experienced that one of my closest friends almost died in an car crash, great grandma have been in and out of the hospital and in easter one family friend died.

I have learned a lot from my feelings, but there is also a big emptiness inside me. I can’t understand how I have been able to hide my feelings this past months, or people hasn’t noticed at all. Every deaths, grows on me. I really can’t handle it and accept the loss, but also go thru grief. How can I go thru another grief process when I’m not done with the one who has been stuck for two years? How can I manage to get that away, when it is so strong?

Addicted

Why is my phone so important? Why is it comforting me and I feel so safe? I’m so addicted to it that I can check the same thing several times in a few minutes. I can’t go without it, I don’t have control then. It feels like a part of me isn’t there if I’m don’t have my phone with me. And I hate it.

I would love to be able to leave it for hours and not worrying about checking out Instagram, Facebook, snapchat or text messages. I know that it will always be there when I come back, but still it’s not possible anyway. I have everything on this phone and I need the control over it. But I would also want to go out and explore and not be focused on my phone all the time.I want to go and meet my friends, and we would put it away and just enjoy the moment and make memories. There is so much we could do if it wasn’t for our phones these days.

My daily routine is reg­u­lated by my cell phone. I wake up be­cause of the alarm of my cell phone. … Without my phone, my life would be a wreck. … Ima­gine if I didn’t have my phone: My life would fall apart com­pletely. I ser­i­ously need my phone. It helps me and my friends and fam­ily func­tion in my life prop­erly.

It’s my safety, but it also gives me anxiety. I think so much about what I could do, but it never happens. I want to change that, I will do it. I’m gonna start to put it away more and live more, go for a walk without it and feel the warmth and listen to the singing birds. I want to control myself, and not my phone.

Thoughts

January 6, 2017

After the depression was taking over my life, but I was starting to get better. Then came the next difficult part of my life, when my grand ma was at the hospital. The period from late February and until May is something that is still unanswered. I have no clue on anything, only that my grandma passed away. The thing is that I feel kinda of guilty cause I feel that I could have done something.

I wrote about this earlier so I will not get it into details again. But if you think about the first months of 2015 where I just stayed in bed and wanted to find out what was wrong with me. I was went down many stairs then, but when my grandma died. That is one thing that I will never forget.

This grief that I have after this is the worst feeling that I have had. The grief after someone who would have seen me and also the grief of losing someone was sad. I can still feel the loneliness I had. I felt that I wasn’t there, that I was not worthy at all of the family. I felt jealousy that angered inside me, I was so angry at my family and wanted to cut the contact with them. The only thing that I wanted at that time was to change her place and let her live. Then my family probably would be happy and they would have seen me. But then it would be to late.

The grief that I have had was very deep, it took me away from life. I feel that around all this things I was in another world. A world that I created where everything was completely fine. I think it was then I really lost myself. Every person I believed in was gone, persons that I could rely on and really show my feelings for. They would have seen me for who I am.

But I will say know that it is much better. There are moments where I will have a breakdown and just cry for a few hours. I know that this feelings I had then was wrong. My family was there for me all the time, but I couldn’t see it. I had just found at that I had hypotyreose and depressed, and when this also came then everything went black. I was there, but still I wasn’t there cause I created this fence where everything was perfect. I wasn’t ready to face reality of that she had passed away.

I need my time to grief and hopefully one day I would really appreciate our time together. I don’t want to feel this guilt of everything that I could change. But that is something that I have to work for to change my mind on that. To realize that I can’t change anything now.

 

Bad feeling

I have had a bad feeling all day. I didn’t know if it was that I slept too long or too short, low energy or if it could be my emotions. I just woke up and knew that today it is gonna be horrible, but I didn’t know what would come.

I was in class and just felt confused and empty. Just couldn’t focus on what the teacher said, I was just lost in my own thoughts. I knew that something was wrong. I could feel some sort of pain that I didn’t had control over. Then after few minutes a friend of me tries to call me, but I couldn’t answer it. I knew then, it was something important. When someone calls me, then something has happened.

I had only twenty minutes left of the class and I decided to check the news. There I see a familiar car and a tittle “19 year old critical hurt in a car crash”. Just when I read that I knew that this was it. This is why I had this bad feeling all day. My mind just went numb and my heart broke. I just can’t believe it!

So today has been challenging and terrible. I just hate this day. I know there is nothing that I can do with it then support my friend and pray that she will be ok…

Still not healed

When was the last time I saw your beautiful smile? Laughter? having a conversation?       My heart is still not healed, there are many pieces that are broken. There’s pain, emptiness, anger and grief. There are so much I would do to just have one more day even hour, too see you and hear your beautiful voice. But in the reality it’s not possible..

Two years has passed. It feels like it was yesterday you died, and several years since I saw you. I can’t belive that it has only been two years, but I can remember how many breakdowns I have had since then. My life has since then stopped, but with every month that has passed I see that it is possible, to live life without you. It’s not gonna be easy, cause you were a big part of my life. I will also have these breakdowns, where the grief takes over me. Everything goes black, the only thing I can think about then is you!

730.484398 days, 63 113 851.9 seconds. That’s is how long my heart have been broken since my grandmother died, it have been really hard to accept it and I don’t know when I truly will be able to do it. But I know that this was your wish and you were done. You had your dreams, and know your dream was to meet your husband again. I’m happy for that, you don’t have to suffer anymore with your illness. But still my heart is still not healed.

Wrong turn

What’s the meaning of life? Do we have goals or missions, that we have to finish until we get our happiness, and really understands what’s the meaning of life. How can we, us humans know that we are on the right track on our purpose?

We are currently 7,4 billion people and already 11,3 million deaths. How can we know that they had happiness or their biggest goal fulfilled? There are so much we can do with our life, that it’s almost impossible to know your life changing goal. I am one of those who doesn’t have a clue on what my purpose is. I thought I knew it, but everything changed in a second.

I can’t imagine to fulfill my dream, my dream has gone dark. Everytime I think about it, I starts to feel cold, sense the negative feeling I got that changed my mind. I was young, and started to think about what would I love to have as a job. I wanted it to be a job that I would love everyday, one you can’t get bored off. I wanted to show my good side and that was to help people. I have always cared about people or animal, no matter how they look or language. I want to understand and help. I knew already in 8th grade, that my purpose was to be a nurse. I got my mind set to it and I was dedicated. I put everything else away, cause I had to follow it, I knew that was the right thing to do.

But after school I started to work at a hospital, and it was amazing in the beginning. But each day that went away, I lost myself more. I wanted to be the best one, and with that I largehad to work hard. And with that cost I got myself sick. I was home for three months before they could figure out what my problem was, and I had a long way after that.

I know today, that my way back then was wrong. I destroyed my young dream and now I can’t think about being a nurse. It gives me so much pain and I really hate the idea. But I am not perfect and that’s okay. Maybe it wasn’t my purpose at all, but right then it felt right? But I have learned from it and it can only make me stronger. I hope that I will find my purpose soon, cause right know I feel empty and can’t figure out myself and on what’s the meaning of life.

What do I want to do?

To be an student can be difficult. You get challenged on many different sides, psychical and mentally. Many students moves away from their hometown, their family and the safe environment. Why are we doing that?

largeI have thought a lot these past few days on why have I pushed myself to do this? Is this what I want to do? And what will I get out of this?

I have challenged myself each day since I moved across the country to study Economy and leadership. I was totally focused and school was my first priority. It started very good, actually surprising too well. I changed my lifestyle, where I trained three days in a week and changed my diet. I cut out all sugar and junk food, and added more fruit and vegetable. I used my free time on studying my subjects every single day.

I didn’t have time to get a break and relax to just be me. Because school what the first priority. I can totally say that I overworked and it ended up with that my body said stop. large-1Why did I do that to myself? Haven’t I learned anything yet?

I should have learned about it now. But my problem is that when I got things put on the first list, I had to finish it, no matter what. I can easily just take my other priorities away and just focus on that.

So these past few weeks I have thought if this is what I wanna do? Do I want to feel like an inhuman and just take it as it is or do I want to be free and really find myself and my goals?

What’s the meaning with life, when you got no clue on what your goals are?